Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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