Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is my gift to your gina
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
