i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
