my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
