Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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