Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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