I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
