you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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