I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
