You're completely useless in the revolution.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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