Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
