Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
