literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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