Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
