I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
