I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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