well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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