I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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