I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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