I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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