i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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