Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
