Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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