My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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