i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
