Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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