I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
