I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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