question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
