Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think a kid would responsible me up
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
