Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
