I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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