life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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