haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
