i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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