Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
