4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
