I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
