i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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