Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
