Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
