So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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