That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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