My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
