i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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