kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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