So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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