upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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