I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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