Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
